


Girls Love Girls And Boys

by Moosie



Series: I Am You, You Are Me [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Rule 64, Everyone meets and has different reactions, F/F, Fem!Bilbo meets Guy!Bilbo, Fem!Thorin meets Guy!Thorin, M/M, One of those two, Shenanigans, So this is basically, This is just my excuse to write Thorin getting frustrated at himself, What happens when two worlds collide, herself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 08:53:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2185500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moosie/pseuds/Moosie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...Or the one where Bilbo meets himself as a woman and things suddenly get really complicated.</p>
<p>Excerpt;</p>
<p>"At least, it was until he heard a decided <i>womanly</i> shriek sound directly in his ear. Then he knew that the <i>rational</i> explanation was not the <i>correct</i> explanation. Because this was his life after all, and rational rarely ever meant correct anymore."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Girls Love Girls And Boys

**Author's Note:**

> This is just my excuse to write Bilbo and fem!Bilbo in the same universe together. Because twice the Bilbo is quadruple the fun!

When Bilbo awoke, it was to honey coloured curls in front of his face. At first, he thought nothing of it, figuring it to simply be his own hair. Plus, he was still half asleep, his eyes blurred at the edges by sand from the Sand man. He was probably seeing double because of the fact that he was still tired. That made perfect sense; he was still tired and his hair had fallen into his face because of the fact that he had been letting it get longer as per Thorin’s request. That was the rational explanation.

At least, it was until he heard a decided _womanly_ shriek sound directly in his ear. Then he knew that the _rational_ explanation was not the _correct_ explanation. Because this was his life after all, and rational rarely ever meant correct anymore.

He briefly wondered if the woman in his bed, the woman sitting up and looking absolutely, horrifyingly, _identical_ to him was thinking the same thing, because he she looked like him maybe she thought like him too. And if she maybe possibly thought like him, maybe the exact same expression crossed his face when it dawned on him that there was only one person who could possibly know what exactly was going on.

_“Gandalf!”_

They must have been twins or something.

\------

Coincidentally (or maybe he had planned this), Gandalf appeared in the Lonely Mountain of Erebor along with a woman who looked remarkably like himself. Bilbo figured that whatever was happening with him and the woman that looked like him (Also Bilbo, he reminded himself, because after the initial shock she had introduced herself as Bilbo Baggins, to which Bilbo had responded that _he_ was Bilbo Baggins, and then they had both gotten that rather annoyed look on their faces and muttered, once again _Gandalf_ ) had happened to Gandalf as well. Which made things seem a little better, because apparently Gandalf annoyed himself. Herself. One of those two.

“This is—” and both male and female Gandalf stopped to look at each other before male Gandalf decided “ladies first.” The female Gandalf bowed her head elegantly and leaned on her staff a bit.

“This is a cosmic event brought upon by the Valar every few hundred years. The entire event doesn’t usually last for long, a few days at most typically, but for a time male and female counterparts come together and share a living space,” she explained.

“What?!” both Bilbos squeaked, and one was slightly higher than the other, as to be expected. Female Bilbo looked at her counterpart and then pinched the bridge of her nose. Bilbo could only wonder if he looked the same when he did it.

“What are we going to do until then?” she asked.

“Simply wait it out, Miss Baggins,” male Gandalf said this time, and he took great amusement in watching male Bilbo sputter a bit before he remembered that his female lookalike was still standing next to him.

“Thorin isn’t going to like this,” she fretted.

“Like what?”

Two voices had rung out from opposite ends of the room. If both Bilbos could be twins, then both Thorins were carbon copies of each other. Male Bilbo had almost no idea which Thorin was his and which Thorin was female Bilbo’s. He could only look between them, trying to pick out discernable differences. He was beginning to think he wouldn’t when the one on the left looked pass him towards his female equivalent and he was able to note the slightly longer the lashes; the slightly less defined features and softer curves of a woman. Meaning the Thorin on the right was his.

“Who is this imposter?!” Both Thorins demanded immediately to their respective Bilbo. Both Bilbos heaved heavy sighs and looked back to the Gandalfs for explanation, but neither was anywhere to be seen. Leaving male and female Bilbo alike to hang their heads in their hands and then try to defuse the situation.

Everything was going relatively well until more of the company, namely Fíli and Kíli and _their_ respective foils, and then both Bilbos felt _massive_ headaches beginning in their poor, pretty little heads.

\------

“So she’s me?” Male Kíli asked for the fifth time in a row. He kept trying to poke female Kíli’s breasts, and she kept slapping his hands away because _excuse you these are not for you—I mean me, I mean—whatever! Don’t touch!_ Female Fíli kept gauging male Fíli’s reflexes, curious to see if he was as fast as her. Whenever male Fíli proved that he was indeed, just as fast, their games escalated, and soon they were playing catch with an expensive vase _which was a gift from male Bilbo’s aunt (female Bilbo’s uncle), put that down!_

“Anyway, I think we should come up with names to help when referring to each other,” female Kíli was saying now, having thwarted another attempt by male Kíli to poke her, this time in the rib. Clearly she was the smarter of the two.

“Yes, but how? I’ll still answer to Bilbo, and she’ll still answer to Thorin,” female Bilbo was pointing out.

“How about Auntie Bilbo and Uncle Bilbo?” Male Kíli suggested, momentarily distracted from his attempts. This left him complete open to female Kíli’s sudden tackle, and male Bilbo immediately thought that maybe they had the same exact mindset after all.

“And also Auntie and Uncle?” female Fíli added in, though her statement caused her to miss the vase and it crashed to the floor. Male Bilbo stared at the broken pieces on his floor and then looked at female Bilbo. They never really liked that vase anyway.

“Yes, that’s fine,” female Thorin sighed, rubbing her hand down her face at her niece’s (and nephew’s?) antics. “But what will we call you… four? And each other?”

“I don’t mind calling you Mister Thorin if you don’t mind calling me Miss Bilbo,” female Bilbo stated as if it were simple, speaking to male Thorin, who hadn’t spoken much in the last hour or so. He mirrored his female equivalent’s actions and rubbed a hand down his face.

“Fine. And I can simply refer to _you_ as Thorin,” he said to female Thorin. She rose an eyebrow at him.

“And why, pray tell, would I not be _Mistress_ Thorin to you?” she asked. Male Thorin narrowed his eyes at her.

“Because, _Thorin_ , we are the same person, meaning I’ve no need to refer to you with such a title.”

“And what am I to call you?”

“Master Thorin, of course.”

Female Thorin sputtered at his words. “I most certainly will _not!_ If we are the same person, I’ve no need to call you such a title either!”

“Thorin!” Both Bilbos bellowed. The two stopped their useless bickering and both Fílis and Kílis sat back to watch, snickering behind their hands.

“Now,” female Bilbo started.

“We’ll just refer to each other—” male Bilbo continued.

“—by name—”

“—to make—”

“—everything—”

“—easier,” both finished in unison.

Neither Thorin looked satisfied with the verdict, but not wanting to incur the wrath of their respective Ones they didn’t argue on the matter. Male Bilbo looked at female Bilbo and offered her a smile.

“So it’s settled. Allow me to formally introduce myself at least.” He cleared his throat. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Bilbo Baggins. Please, call me Bilbo.”

Female Bilbo’s eyes sparkled a bit and she smiled a warm smile of her own, barely suppressing a tiny giggle. After the initial shock, she was extremely excited to get to know her male counterpart.

“The pleasure is all mine, Bilbo. My name is Bilbo Baggins.”

**Author's Note:**

> So everyone is to be referred to as "Miss ____" or "Mister ____" and everyone refers to her/his female/male equivalent by name. Everyone from the same universe will continue saying each other's name without the "miss" or "mister." Everyone from the other universe gains the "miss" or "mister." Simple enough right?


End file.
